Childhood emotional neglect is a psychological phenomenon that explains how a person’s lack of parental emotional feedback in childhood directly impacts their psychological state in adulthood. It also examines the relationship between parenting styles and the formation of a child’s personality.
The key words “lack of emotional feedback” refers to the moments when parents are oblivious to their children’s emotions. Since the parents fail to observe or mention anything, there are no further specific events and behaviors. Emotional neglect is subtle. It is an internalized experience with almost no visible signs, and is difficult to detect and analyze. Therefore, it’s possible to see some parents take good care of their children on the surface, yet still inflict emotional neglect without realizing it. People who have experienced emotional neglect bear the scars of it. They typically describe their lives as meaningless and empty. They can’t tolerate even the slightest flaw in themselves, but are also known to be apathetic, resulting in exhaustion from these two conflicting inner voices. Symptoms are generally disguised as negative emotions such as anger, depression, and anxiety, or problems that manifest in marriage or interpersonal relationships. People with severe symptoms may even resort to suicide.
What often compounds the issue is that victims can’t find a solution and feel too ashamed to seek help, as they stubbornly resist the help of others. Therefore, emotional neglect is an important concept and it is necessary for us to understand it. It can help us recognize whether we ourselves have been affected by emotional neglect, and we can also examine our actions as parents if we are guilty of emotional neglect in our parenting. At the same time, this book also instructs us on how to overcome this ordeal through the repair and compensation for the emotional neglect of children.
Understanding Childhood Emotional Neglect
Childhood emotional neglect occurs when parents fail to provide adequate emotional feedback, leading to negative consequences in adulthood such as feelings of emptiness, self-criticism, and apathy. Recognizing and understanding the signs of emotional neglect can help individuals heal and prevent continued neglect in future parenting.
Uninvolved Parenting
Uninvolved parenting can occur in challenging situations such as the loss of a spouse or financial difficulties, causing children to take on adult roles prematurely and struggle with guilt and shame.
Weak Emotional Foundations
Adults who have experienced emotional neglect in their childhood often have weak emotional foundations. They appear normal on the surface, but are emotionally empty inside, experiencing pain but unable to express or identify its root causes.
Counter-dependence and Low Self-esteem
People who have experienced emotional neglect may show strong counter-dependence, avoiding relying on others as much as possible. This is due to an internalized message in their childhood that dependency equates to weakness. They may also exhibit low self-esteem, underestimating their own abilities and giving up when faced with challenges.
Difficulty Understanding and Managing Emotions
Emotionally neglected people usually lack emotional intelligence and have difficulty understanding and managing their own emotions, as well as recognizing emotions in others. This can lead to irritability, outbreaks of anger, and barriers in interpersonal relationships.
Overcoming Emotional Neglect
To overcome emotional neglect, recognize the importance of emotions and develop the ability to express them healthily. Practice a three-step approach:
1. Identify and label your emotions;
2. Accept emotions without judgement;
3. Understand the cause of emotions. Gradually, you’ll be able to communicate with your inner voice, face emotions calmly, and express them confidently.
Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Neglect in Parenting
To fill the emotional void in your children, end the cycle of emotional neglect, and raise emotionally healthy offspring, remember three key aspects:
1. Ensure your love is both expressed and felt by your child;
2. Understand your child’s strengths, weaknesses, likes, and dislikes, and provide constructive feedback;
3. Teach your child emotional management and self-love. Practicing these will help your child achieve their potential and become a better version of themselves.
Emotionally Healthy Parenting
Emotionally healthy parenting involves a two-way emotional interaction, continuous attention, empathy, and response to their children’s needs, helping them grow into emotionally healthy adults.
Self-Centred Parenting
Self-centred parents focus on their own needs, authority, and expectations, demanding obedience from their children which can lead to emotional neglect and a lack of self-awareness in the child.
Materialistic Parenting
Parents who focus on providing material wealth instead of emotional support may cause children to lose sight of their self-worth and struggle with setting realistic expectations or finding purpose in adulthood.
Feelings of Emptiness and Inadequacy
Emotionally neglected individuals often feel lonely and isolated throughout their life, leading to feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, and low self-esteem. These emotions can manifest in various ways, such as anxiety, depression, and interpersonal relationship issues.
Lack of Self-Compassion
Individuals who have experienced emotional neglect struggle with self-compassion. They might be compassionate towards others; however, they often hold themselves to impossibly high standards and are unable to accept and forgive their own mistakes.
Intergenerational Impact of Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect often passes from generation to generation, as individuals who have experienced it in their childhood are unable to teach their children proper emotional management. This can result in a vicious cycle of emotional neglect and the formation of emotional blind spots in future generations.
Self-Care and Inner Peace
Learn to care for yourself by treating yourself as you would others. Prioritize your needs and happiness, learn to say no, and ask for help. Balance discipline and indulgence to improve self-discipline and willpower. Practice self-compassion and forgiveness. Caring for yourself enables you to care for others and have positive interpersonal relationships.
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect is a revolutionary book that defines “Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Dr. Jonice Webb. Webb is a pioneer in the field of childhood emotional neglect. Possessing a PhD in clinical psychology, she has been a recognized psychologist expert for nearly 30 years. At present, she has a private psychotherapy clinic in Lexington, Massachusetts, and specializes in the treatment of emotional neglect in individuals, couples and families. A contributing author of the book, Dr. Christine Musello, is a colleague of Webb’s, and composed some of the content and clinical cases examined in the opening part of the book.